It’s all about the climb

Things have been crazy lately. I may or may not have gotten myself into trouble, and I’ve yet to find out if there will be consequences. This is what happens when you have a manic episode, people. It’s all fun & games until.. well you do something stupid. Or in my case, a bunch. Things as of lately? I met a great guy. Had to get rid of my puppy. Am trying to motivate myself to get healthy again (failing), and just working on stability as usual. I am working on getting my website up but if it’s not one part it’s another that’s being a pain in my ass, ugh! What are ya’ll upto? Ready for Christmas?

Hi, I’m alive!

My website will up this week for sure, and I will link you. I promise I will stop neglecting my blogging and visiting my favorite sites. Oh, and there will be an Ipod giveaway!! I miss you all, I’ve just had a LOT going on. I got my puppy, got a job, started a rebellious phase of tattoos, piercings, and pink hair. I’ve been depressed and not sleeping well, and I’m coming out of it to be more stable than ever, and I am so very thankful that I’ve made it through the past year to this point. Everything happens for a reason, and if you hang in, everything will get better. You just have to have faith & hope.

PS Rachie! I didn’t forget your Larabars. I will ship them out as soon as I can. No worries they’re still fresh & ready to be eaten!!!

I’m gonna be a mommy!

Does anyone have any name suggestions? I really like Hershey. Mom? Not so much.

How I feel..

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”

“I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”

“Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead.”

“Hemingway has his classic moment in “The Sun Also Rises” when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, “Gradually, then suddenly.” That’s how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you’re gonna live.”

“I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn’t one I’ll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it’s worth it.”

Hot Mess.

* Rachie, since I suck at blogging, you win the Larabars, yay. If you email me your address I’ll get them out to you as soon as I can.

* My email address is sweetllilcupcake@yahoo.com for Rachie & Krista. It’s spelled wrong on purpose because I’m cool like that.

* This week I lost my little toe nail from when I went hiking… tis a sad day. Painting my toes will never be the same now.

* I have been buying stuff on ebay like crazy. I’m obsessed, it’s awful. I will be watching a lot of tv series this winter…

* This week at the store I saw Ben & Jerry’s new limited ice creams. Pumpkin pie cheesecake? So so so so good!!!!!!!!!

* I have been doing okay this week… weekends are a trigger for me. I guess because they’re not “structured.” Weird, eh.

* My project is a domain name I bought to use for blogging. I may get a layout from Rachie soon. Yay for pretty layouts!

* I am so excited for Halloween to be over.. because then I won’t feel so stupid watching Rudolph & listening to Christmas songs.

Surrender?

I am miserable and want to surrender. This weekend has been an extremely bad one leading me to believe that I’m never going to be stable. Of course I know that it really is possible, but I am so frustrated right now I can’t think straight. After the concert I started getting really depressed, and it’s lasted all weekend. I’m thinking it’s one of two things: I forgot my meds for the first time Friday night and I have been drinking a lot of caffeine. I’m not sure about that of course, but I’m always needing to find a “logical” reason for things. We talk about triggers and such in therapy, but when I’m depressed I usually don’t have anything in particular that is triggering it. It’s the same with mania. You just start to feel like your body is giving up on you. I’ve been doing some research on vitamins and diets recommended for Bipolar Disorder. The only thing I’ve come across is that Omega 3 Fish Oils are supposed to be helpful. I’ve also been extremely restless. It’s “always” been there while I’ve been on Psych meds, but there are times it’s gotten so bad I ended up hospitalized. I finally found a term tonight called Akathisia that is restlessness caused by use of antipsychotics and Lithium. I’ve been trying to stay busy, but I just can’t sit still and it’s making me crazy. I just want my old self back 😦

Larabar giveaway & a story.

Well hello there, Mr. Brad Paisley. Remember that one night last August when we had a hot fling? Oh, right. Er, you started walking up your catwalk with your pretty guitar, and I reached up and smacked you. In the leg. Hard. And then you were probably afraid of me the rest of the night. Luckily for me, you eventually forgave me and slapped me a hive five before the end of the show. Julianne Hough, Chuck Wicks, and Jewel were pretty darn good too.

That is on my list of top 5 favorite memories ever, and it makes for a good story. Really, who smacks a celebrity? I do. We scored 5th row tickets not long before the show, and it was especially exciting because it was a three hour road trip away in Pittsburgh. After the show my best friend and I managed to get lost in downtown Pittsburgh. We wandered around acting like idiots because nobody was around. Then we almost drove three hours the other way to go to Erie, not on purpose of course. I mention this because we just scored lower level seats next to the floor for his show tomorrow night at Penn State. Alas, I won’t be within reaching distance of him, much to my dismay and his relief. I’m sure before his PA shows he’s all like “God I hope that crazy girl that smacked me isn’t here.” Heh.

Anyway, less rambling and more giveaway. I have a pack of Larabars to give away. This includes 1 apple pie bar, 1 coconut creme pie bar, 1 key lime pie bar, and 2 cinnamon bun bars. Just comment by Sunday to win. I think then I shall have another giveaway.

I also have another surprise, but I can’t tell you yet. It’s 100% for sure though so get excited 😉

My first ride in a cop car!

Well to start off with, before I tell you about my crazy day, I just want to send lots of thanks to Krista & Rachie. You girls don’t know it but a lot of times your encouragement is a good enough reason for me to smile instead of having a depressed day. It means so much<3

So today started off like any normal day. Kind of. I had to go withdrawal from school finally. The good thing about this was that I learned I can get a note from my doctor and do a medical withdrawal. I’m hoping that will let me keep my financial aid and it will make it easier to start back instead of having to re-apply.

After that I decided to get lunch at my favorite place ever. It’s called Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. I’m sure you’ve probably seen it on television- home of the biggest burgers. I got a wraparoni & fries + a pickle. YUM. I saved half for dinner 😉

Afterward, I had to go see my family doctor. She likes to keep up with what’s going on with me even though I see Psych doctors and a therapist. She’s the coolest, most sincere doctor ever. I got one of those PPV shots and had to get blood work done. I don’t mind needles anymore since I get poked with them so much. After that, I decided to go hiking for a bit. It was a gorgeous day today.

This is where the craziness starts. I looked up the park map online to find the trail I wanted. It was supposed to be a 2.2 mile loop, close to the dam where I parked. Well, the beginning of the trails are NOT marked. I walked a long while and finally found something that looked like a trail so I took it. It split into two trails, I picked one and kept going. It was ridiculously steep, I got a pain in my side, and I didn’t think I was going to make it. Instead of turning around, I asked God for strength and pushed on. I finally got to the top of a grassy field. You could go right, left, or straight on. I continued to follow the trail, but I was getting confused because there were different color makers on the trees. What?! I’m not stupid, I’ve hiked before. Weird. I got to the bottom of the trail where there was a dirt road. I could go right, left, or straight on to more different colored markers. It didn’t look like much of a trail though, just lots of trees down everywhere, so I went right to hopefully start heading back toward my car. After a long while of walking, I finally came to a steep winding road. I thought when I got to the bottom, I’d take a right and go back to my car.

Wrong. It kept going on and going on. I wasn’t turning around because I would have never made it up the hill by then. I was getting exhausted and was ridiculously thirsty- I’ll take the blame for that- but thank goodness for left over snow. It was great. I kept going and going. It had been about three hours since I started and was getting late. I seriously started thinking I was going to have to spend the night out there. There were no cars, no cell service… FINALLY, I found one tiny spot that I got cell service. I called my mom crying. I wasn’t feeling good, I was cold, and I couldn’t walk anymore. There was nothing around to help her in order to come find me. I told her the general direction to come, shut off my phone to save my battery and continued on a bit more. I found another spot to call my mom, and she told me she called the state police. I started crying again and thought I was going to be in a lot of trouble. My mom was telling them which trail I took and trying to help them out. They sent three cops out to find me before it got dark. Thankfully around the four hour mark one of the cops found me. I’ve never been so thankful in my life. Even if I would have continued on, I would have never made it back to my car. The one officer called my mom to tell her they found me and that they couldn’t believe how far I walked from my car. Scariest moment EVER. My family was all upset and worried too, I felt so bad 😦

So lesson learned: exercise is dangerous. I’m giving it up!

Kidding(althoughIwishIwasn’t).

Frustrated.

So let’s talk about a special topic today: Promotion. I have been blogging for a few months and am still a nothing. I’m also trying to sell Christmas crafts and am still a nothing. So, how do you promote yourself? I visit a lot of sites and comment. I have my crafts posted on Etsy & Ebay and a local ad site. I don’t believe in spamming and whoring myself out to every site on the Internet though and I don’t just go to sites and say whatever to get hits. I genuinely read blogs and am a sincere commenter. I give everyone a chance, I’m friendly, sometimes maybe even a little *tiny* bit funny. What’s wrong? Am I that boring? I thought I would be able to reach out to people who are Bipolar and/or losing weight, but I’ve got nothing. And I know it’s a little early for Christmas, but I know I’m not the only one buying stuff to get ready for it. I’m just really not sure what to do. I already feel miserable not having a job because I feel worthless. I started blogging/crafting because I feel like I can help/inspire *someone* and it makes me feel a bit productive… but I’m just starting to feel worthless again like nobody cares. I’m not giving up by any means… but something’s gotta give. Le sigh.

On one good note, I got another project up in my store:

Project Ready.

Holly Jolly Designs